Yesterday, driving in town I saw a young family walking by. Mum, Dad and their 4-5 year old girl. They were crossing the road ahead of me, both parents holding their daughter’s hands, shielding their precious jewel in between them . They carefully looked out for a safe gap in the traffic and ushered her to the other side. And then as I was passing, all three started skipping and messing about, holding their daughter in the air and letting her leap forward.
The tears started running. That’s the future I imagined for my husband and me and for our child/ children. The simplicity of walking on the street and holding our daughter between us, messing about with joy and happiness, just play. The future which is gone. This future which will now not come trough.
It’s coming up to Christmas and people are shopping for their families. I am shopping for my family, for my husband, my stepsons, my parents, my nephews and niece. For the people I love. And I am ok NOW as I have a family to celebrate my Christmas with… but into my head keep creeping grey thoughts. What will happen when my parents are no longer here, when my husband’s gone, when my nephews and nieces who live in another country, grow up and I will end up on my own? No children, no grandchildren. Because I chose the love in the PRESENT. I chose the happiness with my husband right now. But who do I make Christmas for then? I always thought my work will fulfil me, helping people will bridge that gap that the loss of my children left open. But that’s not possible, I know that now. Work is work and thank God I love what I do… but it is work. In the future, I will come to an empty home after work in the evening and that will be it.
At times like these, I don’t grieve my children, at times like these I grieve for myself. For the life I have envisioned and always expected. I cry for me, for my own lost future. Is that selfish? It brings doubts, should I have tried harder? Should I have tried to get a child no matter what? Should I have left my husband so that I could have someone to make Christmas for in the future?
Am I the victim here? I made may own choices in life – without knowing where they would lead me. I took a leap of faith, so I guess I have to believe that if I haven’t been left alone so far, the life won’t leave me alone in the future.
(2/12/2018 – first Christmas without her, she would have been 9-10months)
It’s that time of year which brings the loss closer to my heart.
Remembering our children at the Service of Light in St Mary’s Church, Mendlesham.
One candle for each family.
